It’s a reckoning moment for me.

Last night, I had wine (not an excessive amount  - 2 or 3 glasses) which is usually fine for me.  Plus, I’m on the larger size of the weight scale so, alcohol doesn’t usually make much of an impact on me. Last night was different — wine on an empty stomach and apparently taken too close, timing-wise, to my thyroid medication and I ended up in a state of ‘not so great’ as the world around me looked like it was on marionette strings — bouncing up and down and up and down and up and down and up and down and…

barf….

Yes. Repeatedly.

Since I haven’t been in that kind of situation since I was in my 20’s, I forgot how bad, bad can feel.

But that night, I didn’t realize that my empty stomach with yummy wine and my medication were going to collide in this moment of “oh. my. gosh. - God HELP me” kind of thoughts in between dry heaves.

I learned a lesson.  But I learned it the hard way, in some respects, and in other respects — I got off easy.

Spiritually, I’ve been learning a lot.

Having been in the church world for a long time, I learned a lot of things that worked for my life:

- Seeking God

- Praying for wisdom

- Being in community during good and hard times with people.

And some things that didn’t work:

-Learning formulaic ways to approach God

- Dealing with people from a sense of hierarchy — the pastor’s the important one, the worship leaders the next important…etc… –

and the ultimate downfall:

- Transferring the performance-based relationships that I had with others to thinking God expected me to perform for him.

That last one really screwed me up.

The disparity between this God of unconditional love and this church of conditional acceptance became a journey for me and a conversation between me and God. I started to talk to God very honestly, in the middle of my pain, in the middle of my confusion, my everything….and a lot of times, I just didn’t talk at all.  I shifted from this desperate clawing for God of “You HAVE to answer me, you HAVE to bless me, you HAVE to, OR ELSE!!!” that I had lived in for much of my faith… and instead, I felt the peace that came in not having answers, and experiencing new trust that He was simply with me and I began living with self-honesty on my spiritual quest.

To some of my Christian friends, I seemed New-Age-y and scary, like I was forsaking my faith.   And I was.  I was forsaking my performance-based faith. And trust me, at times it was scary.  Because I was pursuing an unnerving adventure:  I was being with God and letting him show me who he was, in whatever ways he was going to do that instead  of me telling him who he was and looking for him to show up in those selective ways.  I was giving up control.  Trust me, that scared me.

I wasn’t defining myself by “Christian”.

Or my political party.

Or my stance on social issues.

I was stripping away the identities that I had formerly been defined by and that had allowed me access to specific communities.

I started referring to myself as a “human being” and I realized that calling myself that, didn’t leave anyone out.  It was all inclusive.

I just was ‘being’ where I was at — without condemnation or apologies. Even my husband noticed a difference. Rocky said to me, “I see ‘peace’ in you.”  

I began to experience this very ‘Zen’ sort of peace.

I started considering, what if everyone goes to heaven? (if there is such a place, I started wondering…) Because as a parent, I couldn’t imagine not having one of my children with me for eternity.

I started living with a paradigm of “God is love”.  What if  ”love” made us and “Love is in all of our DNA” and what if some of us recognize that and some don’t but we still all have it. 

I began to feel connected to every person, like we were a long-lost relative just reconnecting.

What if we aren’t black with sin from birth?  What if we’re part divine and part human and a glorious wonder — and what if life is all perfectly imperfect and that’s the way it was planned.

That flew in the face of so much of the Christianity, but it was so ‘Jesus’ to me.

When I started seeing life in those new ways, I found that I got intolerant of some formerly accepted commentary I heard around me: 

I got tired of people from non-denominational churches whispering about Catholics the way that they whisper about someone having cancer.  Saying things like “Oh, they’re so great, even though they’re Catholic”.  

I got tired of people asking me if I was “witnessing” to our gay family members at holidays as if that would be the only justifiable reason to be attending an event and as if the only thing that they were, was “gay” or that they some how needed to be witnessed to…

I got tired of people talking to me like I was a rebel to God simply because I didn’t agree with their theology.

It’s just tiring to be approached out of fear which requires agreement in order for there to be acceptance.

And here’s an honest confession:  I know all this stuff because I was this type of person.  The kind who was trying to save you, and change you, and fit you into the box. I was that person judging you.

I’m sorry.  And I’m not in that space anymore.

I’ve learned some lessons the hard way, like my little drinking explosion last night. Spiritually, I’ve lived judging and judged.

Today is a new day for me, as the last 5 years have been, and I can either live in my mistakes with self-condemnation or I can live in the learning that came through those times.

My choice today, and every day is this: I can be ‘against’ the people who don’t agree with me or I can be ‘for’ love.

Since my heart is to short-cut people through some of the hard part of life let me share this little tid-bit of wisdom:

Living “for” love gives you a lot more inspiration and energy than living “against” any denomination, political party or person.

And note to self: Next time you’re co-hosting an event, have a little food before you have a little wine.  You’ll be able to stay and serve the guests rather than barfing behind the bushes and going to bed. It’s a lot more fun to be at the party…

Oh well…

You live, you learn….