Today was a weird day. 

I had called Rocky early in the day and said, “Today feels weird.”  He thinks I’m weird.

Then, I found out that Farrah Fawcett died.

Then, the shocking word was out that Michael Jackson died.

I wrote on Facebook, “Has anybody checked on Patrick Swayze?  I’m afraid to look…”

These icons who are gone were part of my youth. Farrah’s poster in her red bathingsuit was on my wall when I was entering into Jr. High..  I went to many salons with my mom begging for a Farrah Fawcett hairstyle but I had wavy hair of the “not cool” variety  and instead of sweeping, easy beauty, I looked deranged and like I was trying too hard.

Michael Jackson’s Thriller video on MTV was the reason that I turned OFF my winning game of MegaMania on Atari.  It was totally worth it. The video was completely captivating. MJ’s music was what I played on my first Sony Walkman cassette player as I walked all over Florida on my summer vacation after 8th grade.  His music was the soundtrack that made my life seem like a cool movie in 1982.

These bits of my past that I don’t notice are a part of me until something like this happens. 

I don’t have any great wrap-up…I’m still processing it.  Meanwhile, there’s some big voting on the environmental bill…I’m all for  being responsible with our planet but I hope this one gets shot down.  Yes, I want to drive more environmentally friendly cars and I think humanity needs to to take greater responsibility and not be  greedy to completely ravage the trees and all but geesh, my body is made out of carbon — what are we going to start doing?  Eliminating PEOPLE to save the planet?

Don’t get me started…

I’m not sure if I should be concerned but it just hit me that the two reality shows that have to do with being a housewife, are from the two main areas that I’ve lived my whole life:

The Housewives of New Jersey (where I was raised)

The Housewives of Orange County (where I lived for almost all my adult life).

Nothing profound about it.  Just noticed it.  Gave me pause.

It’s a reckoning moment for me.

Last night, I had wine (not an excessive amount  - 2 or 3 glasses) which is usually fine for me.  Plus, I’m on the larger size of the weight scale so, alcohol doesn’t usually make much of an impact on me. Last night was different — wine on an empty stomach and apparently taken too close, timing-wise, to my thyroid medication and I ended up in a state of ‘not so great’ as the world around me looked like it was on marionette strings — bouncing up and down and up and down and up and down and up and down and…

barf….

Yes. Repeatedly.

Since I haven’t been in that kind of situation since I was in my 20’s, I forgot how bad, bad can feel.

But that night, I didn’t realize that my empty stomach with yummy wine and my medication were going to collide in this moment of “oh. my. gosh. - God HELP me” kind of thoughts in between dry heaves.

I learned a lesson.  But I learned it the hard way, in some respects, and in other respects — I got off easy.

Spiritually, I’ve been learning a lot.

Having been in the church world for a long time, I learned a lot of things that worked for my life:

- Seeking God

- Praying for wisdom

- Being in community during good and hard times with people.

And some things that didn’t work:

-Learning formulaic ways to approach God

- Dealing with people from a sense of hierarchy — the pastor’s the important one, the worship leaders the next important…etc… –

and the ultimate downfall:

- Transferring the performance-based relationships that I had with others to thinking God expected me to perform for him.

That last one really screwed me up.

The disparity between this God of unconditional love and this church of conditional acceptance became a journey for me and a conversation between me and God. I started to talk to God very honestly, in the middle of my pain, in the middle of my confusion, my everything….and a lot of times, I just didn’t talk at all.  I shifted from this desperate clawing for God of “You HAVE to answer me, you HAVE to bless me, you HAVE to, OR ELSE!!!” that I had lived in for much of my faith… and instead, I felt the peace that came in not having answers, and experiencing new trust that He was simply with me and I began living with self-honesty on my spiritual quest.

To some of my Christian friends, I seemed New-Age-y and scary, like I was forsaking my faith.   And I was.  I was forsaking my performance-based faith. And trust me, at times it was scary.  Because I was pursuing an unnerving adventure:  I was being with God and letting him show me who he was, in whatever ways he was going to do that instead  of me telling him who he was and looking for him to show up in those selective ways.  I was giving up control.  Trust me, that scared me.

I wasn’t defining myself by “Christian”.

Or my political party.

Or my stance on social issues.

I was stripping away the identities that I had formerly been defined by and that had allowed me access to specific communities.

I started referring to myself as a “human being” and I realized that calling myself that, didn’t leave anyone out.  It was all inclusive.

I just was ‘being’ where I was at — without condemnation or apologies. Even my husband noticed a difference. Rocky said to me, “I see ‘peace’ in you.”  

I began to experience this very ‘Zen’ sort of peace.

I started considering, what if everyone goes to heaven? (if there is such a place, I started wondering…) Because as a parent, I couldn’t imagine not having one of my children with me for eternity.

I started living with a paradigm of “God is love”.  What if  ”love” made us and “Love is in all of our DNA” and what if some of us recognize that and some don’t but we still all have it. 

I began to feel connected to every person, like we were a long-lost relative just reconnecting.

What if we aren’t black with sin from birth?  What if we’re part divine and part human and a glorious wonder — and what if life is all perfectly imperfect and that’s the way it was planned.

That flew in the face of so much of the Christianity, but it was so ‘Jesus’ to me.

When I started seeing life in those new ways, I found that I got intolerant of some formerly accepted commentary I heard around me: 

I got tired of people from non-denominational churches whispering about Catholics the way that they whisper about someone having cancer.  Saying things like “Oh, they’re so great, even though they’re Catholic”.  

I got tired of people asking me if I was “witnessing” to our gay family members at holidays as if that would be the only justifiable reason to be attending an event and as if the only thing that they were, was “gay” or that they some how needed to be witnessed to…

I got tired of people talking to me like I was a rebel to God simply because I didn’t agree with their theology.

It’s just tiring to be approached out of fear which requires agreement in order for there to be acceptance.

And here’s an honest confession:  I know all this stuff because I was this type of person.  The kind who was trying to save you, and change you, and fit you into the box. I was that person judging you.

I’m sorry.  And I’m not in that space anymore.

I’ve learned some lessons the hard way, like my little drinking explosion last night. Spiritually, I’ve lived judging and judged.

Today is a new day for me, as the last 5 years have been, and I can either live in my mistakes with self-condemnation or I can live in the learning that came through those times.

My choice today, and every day is this: I can be ‘against’ the people who don’t agree with me or I can be ‘for’ love.

Since my heart is to short-cut people through some of the hard part of life let me share this little tid-bit of wisdom:

Living “for” love gives you a lot more inspiration and energy than living “against” any denomination, political party or person.

And note to self: Next time you’re co-hosting an event, have a little food before you have a little wine.  You’ll be able to stay and serve the guests rather than barfing behind the bushes and going to bed. It’s a lot more fun to be at the party…

Oh well…

You live, you learn….

It’s great to see all the “why’s” that people have posted.  Health is a high focus and feeling good is part of it and wanting to look our best is in there, too, either for ourselves, our spouse, or our partner down the road….

Great!

So, there’s a couple of things going on…

The background noise shows up in every bite of food we eat (”Should I eat this? Is this on my ‘program’? Oh no, I ruined it.”) We have mental conversations of whether a food is a ‘bad’ food or a ‘good’ food and we try desperately to fall in love with cottage cheese and fruit because we’ve been so overexposed to methods and mindsets about eating and food. If you don’t believe me, look at the covers of magazines the next time you check out at the grocery store and see how many articles are about food and weight loss.

Then, there are our actions - the steps we take toward the desired result.  It’s not rocket science - eat less, move more.  That’s actually, believe it or not, the easiest part of this ‘game’.

And finally, the big ol’ undertow that pulls us in and we can’t even see it, is the unworthiness and unloving that we have — when we believe that we’re unworthy on any level, we end up sabotaging our efforts because of the false belief system that is driving us.

This is the monster to see and to slay.

Imagine you’re on a ride at Disneyland.  You get in the little car, sit on the drivers side, you put your hands on the wheel and you start spinning like crazy.  You can make screeching noises, or ‘vrooom’-ing noises and lean your body one way or the other and you know what?  Not one lick of difference because you’re on this track that is taking you on the very same ride to the same destination — every. single. time.

And to get ON the same ride every time and expect it to take you somewhere different is looney-tunes.

So, in our conversation, there will be ‘aha’ moments of discovery to see where our belief system is doing us in and driving us towards undesired results.

For me, it happened when I was counseling a young adult who was bulimic and abusing alcohol.  She was trying to convince me that she loved herself.  I just looked at her and asked, “If I were to pour alcohol down my 6-year old’s throat or if I were to feed him a delicious meal and then stick my finger down his throat to force him to throw up — would that be screaming ‘love’ to you?

The obvious answer was ‘no’.

“So, how is that loving to you?”

See, love shows up in actions.  But just like when we were in math class growing up, sometimes, to check our math, we work the equation backwards.

In our case, regarding weight, we are going to do the math backwards: Look at your actions. Do they cry out ‘love?’

For me, I am seeing a couple of areas right off the bat: My calendar and my sleep.

Huh?  What does that have to do with weight?

Well, because my unloving belief system (which hides in the shadows of my life) is showing itself in those other areas: Having more to do than my life is designed to handle, going to bed later and sleeping less than my body needs right now.

If I ran my kids ragged and denied them sleep that would be negligent and harmful. That would affect their emotions, their attention and focus, they’re joy in life and it could eventually compromise their immune system and leave them susceptible to sickness and disease.

That’s what I’ve been doing to me.

To be able to see it is the first, greatest power.

So, today, we’re going to do a couple of things to help us to see:

1. Do backwards math and take a look at your life actions: Are they reflecting a loving balance? Make a list of the things that if you were to do those to the children in your life, would it be seen as unloving?

2. Take a mental note of your conversations with yourself: Are you talking to yourself in ways that call yourself ‘good’ or bad’, ’stupid’, or ‘wrong’? Are you calling foods ‘good’ or ‘bad’? Can you see the vast amount of judgmental conversations that you have going on about you and food?

3. Take an action step that flies in the face of the unloving.

For me, Rocky’s taking the car today so that I’m “grounded” from running all over doing errands all over town. I’m also taking on drinking three bottles of water today and not eating past 7, and I’m going to continue reading, “The Four Agreements” as a way to savor wisdom and take it in.

That sounds like a lot but that’s for me, today.  You can do whatever fits for you.  There are no rules about this.  Your biggest gift today would be to notice something that’s operating in your life that’s been keeping you on this track of weight issues and landing you in the same place of dissatisfied and frustrated.

This is what we’re taking on today – 

Who’s in with me?

Hello, Fellow Sojourners -

First of all, follow-up:  How did yesterday go?  Did you make your list of “Why’s” so that you can SEE that you have some inspiring reasons to lose the weight?

Did you read it out loud so that you could HEAR yourself SAYING your ‘why’?

If you didn’t, just jump in today, make your list, read it out loud and add this one twist today: SHARE it with someone else of why you’re inspired to lose weight.  In fact, I would throw out there to pick three people to share it with if you are willing.

Here’s the “why” behind the “why”:  Because a conversation is operating in the background of our minds and our lives that we’ve given real credence to about how we’re not worth it or it’s not worth it and about how it’s impossible to lose this weight (almost like that little asterisk at the bottom of the skinny ‘after’ picture on a diet commercial: * Results not typical).

We have all these reasons for why we can’t do it and we validate the “can’ts” in our lives repeatedly.

So, when we make our list of what’s inspiring to us and we say it out loud and share it with others, we are confronting our excuses and old conversation with a new inspiring reasons and a new conversation.  By the way, this isn’t “positive thinking” in the most benign sense, this is placing thoughts of inspiration and possibility into your life where thoughts of resign and impossibility have reigned.

And this isn’t the whole kit and kaboodle on day 2, we’re just taking steps towards seeing and  deconstructing the lie and transforming our lives to a place of freedom.

Because this isn’t really about the weight — this is about an unempowering belief system that operates within our lives and it’s reflected in our weight.

So, for today, make your list of why you want to lose the weight, at the end of it, I added “And I’m worth it” (even though I felt a little like Mike Myers on Saturday Night Live “And doggone it, people like me…ha!)

Today, I’m going to share it with three people. 

So, who’s with me?

(stay tuned, tomorrow we’re talking about the Power of Intention…)

If you tuned in to my last post, “A FAQ - A Frequently Awkward Question”, you saw that as I journeyed toward a God of Love, I spent some time stepping away from my former thoughts on God and the long-held traditional beliefs I had.

One thing that I mentioned was that I took Jesus off the table.

That’s a pretty threatening thought to have and express in my world.  Because, in Rocky’s and my life together, we spent most of our marriage working in churches.  And there’s an understanding that you have in churches that you are going to hold to certain beliefs that are foundationally the same as the rest of the team of leaders in the faith.

Well, Jesus is one of those “essentials” for people in Christianity — seeing that it’s in the name and all, “Christ”  –  ”Christianity” — it’s sort of built right in there….

For me, it was risky business to take Jesus off of the table as I was downsizing the craziness of my faith.  But I had such a mixed up idea about who God was, who Jesus was and ultimately, who I was that I reached a point where I felt I had to do something…

It screwed me up to turn on Christian radio and hear 5 different pastors talk about the same verse in the bible and land on 5 different theologies about God — and they all believed they were right and that the others were wrong. 

I stopped listening to Christian radio programs years ago.  I got afraid to go to my bible and read it because I figured, if the scholars can’t figure this thing out, then, who am I to think I could understand?

The scary thing for me was that, I had spent years seeing Jesus as the “kinder, gentler” version of God.  Like the Old Testament God was the scary-ass, punishing, don’t-piss-him-off, God.  And Jesus was like the sweet Kindergarten teacher who loved the most rambunctious kids in the class kind of person.

I spent some years hiding behind the well-marketed Jesus so that he could protect me from his rage-a-holic Dad.

At a certain point in my journey a couple of things hit me:

1. I was afraid to know God.

2. I was afraid to let go of Jesus.

Being afraid to know God came up in just thinking that there was a right way/wrong way on how to approach him.  Sort of like, there’s a holy protocol.  Maybe you’re required to sing first (if that’s the rule, then how many songs are enough?)  Or maybe to kneel or to bow (if that’s the rule, then how low and for how long?)  and that I was supposed to address God in a certain way, “Dear Lord…Holy God…Creator….Father…”

If I say it wrong or do it wrong, is the ground going to open up?  Okay, maybe not that but am I going to get a disease — or is that why I have a disease — because I made God mad??

Yikes.  Too freakin’ hard.  Too many rules.  

It’s easier to talk to Jesus.

But then, I realized that if Jesus was the manifestation of God’s heart and I didn’t know God then, I really didn’t know Jesus.

Then it got scary — because taking Jesus off the table is like letting go of the lucky rabbit’s foot that I used to keep in my pocket during my softball games.  If I lose ‘it’, I lose. I lose the power and the protection.

Once I realized that Jesus was my lucky rabbit foot to keep God from completely thrashing me, I realized that I had devalued who he is and my relationship with him and just resorted to him being some kind of existential bodyguard.

So, I took the biggest risk that I spiritually knew and I set Jesus aside so that I could go one-on-one with God.

Wow. I just exhaled right now in typing all this.  I didn’t realize that while I was writing all this I was holding my breath. But it makes sense because it was a pretty stressful time.

It’s like living your spiritual life walking the tightrope, with a God who is wiggling the rope and wanting you to fall — all  without having Jesus as the net anymore.

So, when I tell people that I took Jesus off the table, they might be tempted to think it was because he meant that little to me when really, if someone’s willing to step outside of their view, they might be able to see that I wanted a genuine relationship that much.

They can see what I did as that irreverent or they can see it as that respectful.  

And hungry.

And free.

Here’s what I figured:  If God really wanted me to have a hold of Jesus, He was going to put him back on the table. If this God who made me was really going to require Jesus to be my salvation — or else — than what loving God and Father is going to deny me the access point to my eternity?  If any of that is true, then isn’t a God who is love and who loves me going to reveal it to my seeking heart?

There’s so much that came to me during that time.  And I’m not going to tell about it right now because the answer isn’t the point.

There’s something powerful about the question.  Being able to take the big ol’ hairy risk of saying to God “You scare the shit out of me and I’m using Jesus to keep your angry self at bay and I don’t want our relationship to be that anymore — can we start a new conversation?”  And to know that we can and that he will and that he won’t punish us for doing so.

That’s more the point.

And that’s why I don’t need to save any one and I don’t lead anyone in any old school salvation prayer.  Not my job.  Because if I could convince you, then the next guy down the road could unconvince you.  I’d rather tell you that I went straight to God, in my limited understanding, with all my fear and preconceived notions,  and entered into a new conversation.

My invitation for anyone who is questioning or curious, or ticked off or scared is to do the same - the One who made you is the One who knows how to speak to where you’re hiding out in the crevices of your heart anyway so, why not start there?  If there’s something to prove, He can prove it to you. If there’s something to show, He can show it to you.

When I was walking through it, it terrified me.  When I look back on it, I smile - because there was a peace that came to me that I had never known before.

So whether it’s Jesus or a rule you have of reading the bible every day or a misbelief you have that there’s a ‘right’ way to do spirituality –It’s not the end of the world to let go of the rabbit’s foot of your faith, it’s just the end of the world as you know it.  And, since we’re both being really to the core honest right now — that might not be such a bad thing…

There’s something about nighttime that holds a distinct capacity to remind me of what’s most important and why.

Maybe it’s because of blitzing around all day with two busy boys, two part-time businesses, one non-profit organization and a book to write - along with the laundry, home schooling, meals, and chasing dust-bunnies that multiply on our hardwood floor — doesn’t give me the time to think two clear thoughts in a row.

At night, when the boys are sleeping and I’m exhausted and it’s rude to make phone calls past 9 p.m., there is the space to look at the “whys” and “wherefores” in my life.

Truthfully, I think that’s why, at night, I want to be distracted.  Not having Tv has turned into a Facebook (aka “Crackbook”) fettish. What am I avoiding when everything slows down and I have time to think? Some strong feelings.  I go through waves of feeling guilt and disappointment because I didn’t keep the vision of health that was so crystal clear the night before, throughout my day. I feel like a terrible mom and a failing wife sometimes because when I don’t take care of me, I’m not taking care of them. I don’t feel that badly all the time - just enough to have me feel like I’ve duped myself, and ripped them off again and missed out on moving one day closer to my goal.

Because just the evening before I KNEW what mattered most and it boils down to this: I want to live, with my husband and children, a long, healthy, fun, vibrant, sensual, self-expressed life. But there’s this weird tweaky thing that happens to my resolve when I go to sleep. It’s like it gets diluted in the midnight hours and by morning, I’m craving the very opposite of what will get me to my goal. I sometimes feel like I’ve lost my mind, and not just my vision, between when I go to bed and when I wake up in the morning.

But that guilt is a whole other story and component to the reason we’re overweight and we will deal with that another time.  Trust me.

Today is about “Why do you/I want to lose weight?”

On the TV show, The Biggest Loser I see folks with their “Why” printed on their shirts, 

“To walk my daughter down the aisle.”

“To run with my kids.”

“To live to see my grandchildren.”

They place their inspiring reasons for getting healthy on their shirts so that each time they see it, they are reminded of why they are taking 12 bites of that food instead of 112.

I haven’t done that, quite honestly, and I’m willing to try it out.  

Oh don’t get me wrong — I’ve written out my intentions and that has been powerful but I’m going to put my ‘why’s’ down today.

And here’s what just hit me:  I’m a little scared.

Because my “why” is going to confront something that is a strong conversation in me:

The “I’m not worth it” conversation.

The “I’ve ruined it” conversation.

The “It’s too late” conversation.

Yikes.

Okay, so here’s my personal experiment and you can make it yours: Write down your “why’s” today and just carry them around and read them out loud to your self.  Hear yourself say those words. And I’m going to put on the bottom of mine, just for kicks: “And I’m worth it.”

And see what presenting that into my conversation brings up or results in today.

Let me know you’re in.  And pass this around to others who might be interested. Let’s build a supportive team around us as we journey together.

Who’s with me?